I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
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Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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