3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
