Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
