I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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