Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
