these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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