when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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