Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.