this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
