I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
