My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
