ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
