Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
