I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
