Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
