Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
