Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
