i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
