every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
