He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
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It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
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You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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