Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
