I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
