Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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