The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
