my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
