and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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