I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
