He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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