The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
