It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
