PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
