it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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