I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
