My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
