the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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