I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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