You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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