I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
