I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
