hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
