So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
