I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go