i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
