Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
