when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
