She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
