Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
