Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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