Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to have your abortion
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
