____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
