I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
